Difference

There is a big difference between giving up and letting go.

I have to remind myself of this while I am making art. I think I always have to have sixteen irons in the fire or I am not happy. As long as those things feel creative and I am not met with jealous and greedy people. This is why I must focus on simply building a body of work for myself for a while.

How many pieces can I make per day, per week? How many can I work on at the same time- in the same hour? Whew!! I’m so excited to find out.

Productivity fills the space. The space is rarely empty.

Advertisements

Repurpose

I’ve always kept things, you know, to repurpose them into art and useful things.

Doesn’t everyone?

Some of these things make sense and others are so far off the map that it’s now become something I have to change in order to grow and succeed as an artist. I do not need things that I have had for 20 years if I haven’t done anything but pack and move them. Let’s make some stuff or let’s get rid of this crap!!!

I am having a huge estate sale this weekend and it’s sad because most of this stuff was my mother in law’s and she had a real problem with shopping. Seriously. There is so much “broken, half what the hell is this” stuff on this property it’s madness. It made me realize that I never want my loved ones to have to go through all my crap but it’s also made me realize that I need a system to stop myself from collecting all this crapola.

So, the three month rule has been put in place and will be followed. If I haven’t used it or made it into art in three months it must be sold, gifted or donated to someone else. I do not need things that I will not use.

If you want clarity, clear your space.

Movement has filled the empty space.

Things I Dig

Writing everyday really gives you the chance to think things through, which also gives you the chance to change your mind about a thousand times, which almost seems like flip-floping waffles but it’s really just process. Good process.

I do want to be an artist. I am an artist. I am an artist every day even when I am not making art. I am thinking creatively, communicating creatively, eating creatively. I breathe creativity.

I also want to be an event planner, a  sales person, a business woman, and an athlete. No more boxes for me.

The freedom fills the empty space.

Matters of the Heart.

I love my family. I love them as much as they love me- exactly the same.

That’s how we say it now. “I love you the same”

This idea asks you to picture how much you love another and to believe that that is exactly how much they love you. It can be mind boggling for everyone involved.

Love is bursting out everywhere and we are no longer in contest with, “I love you more!”

I am building up a beautiful new world for my favorite humans, pets and plants. I am creating a living space full of the sweet smell of flowers and warmth of cooking food. I have opened my arms to love and trust and joy and growth. I will fill this space with art and photos, treasures and laughter.

My daily practice will now include thinking wonderful and peaceful thoughts about those who have hurt or confused me. I want the best for them; healing, health, quiet and love. I wish them the best, prosperous life possible.

I wish to attract this exact life for myself and as I say goodbye to this property, these things and these people I say goodbye to all negativity and fixation. I know for sure my life will blossom.

Excitement fills the empty space.

20140223-231249.jpg

Out Of Focus

When I find my mind wondering off and writing it’s own imaginary commentary with my foes about what’s going on in my life I have to stop it, and fast! I used to encourage these pretend conversations with my antagonists and enemies. I used to let these conversations turn into letters I would physically write but rarely send. I would sometimes write them over and over while seething.

I will no longer do this.

In order to change the course or direction this boat is sailing I must throw out the old ways of doing things. This most definitely includes my old habits during conflicts and my reactions to others behaviors, especially if they are offensive and abusive towards me.

I will shut the out of my life and restrict access to my ears. I will stop negotiations or conversations with others about what has happened. I will not have conversations, real or imaginary, about what happened. I will not hear excuses and I will accept apologies and offer forgiveness. I will not make the claim that every thing is just fine or that it will return to normal.

Instead I will write a letter to someone I love dearly; someone I miss or someone I wish I could see more often- perhaps someone who lives far away.

I will tell them about all the good things in my life and ask them loads of questions about what they’re up to these days and maybe even send them a piece of art.

I will banish all thoughts of negativity or conflict with those who seem hell bent on having a raging battle with me.

I already feel elevated and excited about the growing list of those I will be contacting next! I better start sketching and doodling little drawings to mail out right now!

Life is too short to waste time trying to fill up the people who have holes in their hearts… That work can only be done by the owner of the heart.

Writing love notes will fill the empty space.

20140222-164243.jpg

Choose Your Battles

Today we learned that another family member is involved I trying to sabotage our livelihood. It’s almost an unbelievable story it’s so twisted and crazy. I could go on and on about this, but I’m saving that juice for my first novel (based on fictional characters, of course). I know my husband is sad because he’s had to face a great deal of disappointment from his family in the last few years. He is such a good man and he has worked so hard to become one that it’s heartbreaking to see him put his head down. But he’s finally facing the truth and moving on without the damaged people .

What a huge blessing!!!

No longer will I allow anyone to distrupt or disrespect my husband and I. We are so blessed because we do good, we are honest and trustworthy: I aspire to be even more so because Jason truly embodies this !

I refuse to let this negative energy into my life, ever again.

A dear friend helped me see that, yes, life is hard and, yes, it’s a challenging battle but if you look at it correctly (flip it around) we CAN choose which battles to fight.

I’d rather fight for arts education, community, universal health care and gay marriage that fight a family member over dishes and furniture.

I would rather fight writers block or the grain in a wood panel than fight a family member over money they stole from me.

Good work filled that empty space!

Interpretive Dance

As I packed up all my art supplies and materials yet again I realized how much stuff I’ve been holding on to so I could make art with it one day.

It’s all that planning for the future and preparing for that day that kept me from ever having any time to just create things.

Because I have so much stuff I’ve had to work to house it and that real estate has been my number one issue for the last few years hasn’t gone unnoticed this time. Lesson learned.

It felt incredible to make huge piles of things to sell and to donate. Knowing some else might make something from my stuff instantly elevated it from a burden to an art installation. The experience of letting to became an interpretive dance. I created Joy.

Joy filled the empty space.

Finders Keepers

There are a lot of sayings out there about possession and property. What’s mine is yours, possession is 9/10ths of the law and finders keepers- losers weepers. And so on and so forth. It’s facinating the “things” people will fight over, in the end especially. The ways in which we have to earn and collect things, be it purchase, find, inherit or build have all become so disgusting. We work most of the week at jobs we despise in order to purchase houses to fill with gadgets and gizmos, we then create more rooms to hold more things and we hold a sick sense of pride in our belongings. Wealth badges and displays. Charging objects with the power to hold memories and keeping things because getting rid of them takes too much effort.

I am so glad I am learning to let go when I still have all this time left in my life.

I am so full of anticipation and excitingment about leaving this property forever, but more than that I can’t wait to get away from all this stuff. It’s so facinating to watch this house empty out, all while I can feel the vultures circling in the hopes that can get a big chunk of the flesh for themselves. All these years I thought it was sentimentality that kept us here but it turns out it’s simply greed and possessiveness that held us. I can easily picture my family breaking apart my home, going through my letters and boxes of stuff. I’d like to make sure that process is easy and enjoyable. Things just need to be purposeful and enjoyable.

Love fills up the empty space now.

I’ll cross that bridge

Driving home today I was struck by the beautiful place I’ve been living the last four years. It was a lovely winter dusk (my favorite time of day), the sinking sun cast a pink and blue light through the tall grey and black trees; all of them looking tired and beaten after several strong winter storms. The rain had stopped and while I knew it was cold out there it felt warm and inviting.

Instantly I was relaxed and happy.

That’s the “thing” about being an Oregonian that all the transplants don’t understand. This season calms me, and, usually, even without other people casting gloomy shadows and doom all over me, I consider it a time of rest, hibernation and creation. This used to be when I typically make most of my work.

Some dear friends once called it “The Rainy Day Wildfire” because the cold rain coups everyone up and that is when they create best! That phrase has always stuck with me. In fact, I have another blog titled just that and it was what fruited this blog and together they capture perfectly all the things I am working on right now.

These daily posts are about creating a plan for how I can transition my life away from struggle and survival to blossoming and creation. I no longer accept that I have to have three lives; the one where I do something I hate to make money to allow me to maybe have time to do the things I love; the one where I compromise the thing I love to make a little money and the one where I actually do the thing I love.

I can no longer think about doing something just for money. I must and can do what I love and make money. All the anxiety and teeth grinding about the future and the what does it all mean ends now. Every day is new and everyday deserves a chance to simply be.

I will wake up, I will breathe, eat, drink, talk, smile, poop, walk, cry, make, eat again, bathe, write, clean, shop, build, crush, love, shrug, and sleep- I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

A Picture’s Worth…

absolutely nothing. A picture has no value fifteen years after it is taken.

Today I shuffled through hundreds of photographs while preparing for this massive move. I found countless pictures of old friends and distant relatives, most of which I realized I didn’t even know, so, I tossed them out.

No more pics of “the girl with long hair and a white cat”. Gone are the grade school pictures, circa 1979. Vanquished are the pictures of that aunt or this uncle.

Old friends I no longer speak to and family my kids will never know- gone.

Why do we take SO many of these photos of things?

Some are artistically pleasing and interesting. Of course I am keeping these for art. Pictures of a car crash… Nice.

The pile started small and considerate and ended massive and deep.

This is the beginning…