For most of the last few years I have fantasized about growing my businesses and creating a profitable life for myself and my family. I want to do good work and make money to survive. I have donated thousands of hours of my time to several organizations and been an advocate for education, the arts and community involvement.
I’ve worked and worked and I’ve twisted and connected. I’ve built up amazing programs and helped lots of small business owners progress. I’ve invested both financially and emotionally in everything.
Life’s had some amazing moments! I have laughed so loudly, I have cried real tears and I’ve even begged for help (which has never been easy for me to do); but, even with all of that, each of those fantasies came to a crashing halt at the end of 2013.
While some fell as if a screaming comet from space, others fell like a string of dominos tipped over by a whisper. I ended up costing my family money and costing myself my pride. I was quietly devastated, especially as everyone I loved proceeded to tell me what they really thought about my choices over the next few weeks.
I could give a timeline of how this all unravelled but I decided it was best to say, “it’s all my fault”. There is no one else to blame but me. I was afraid and I overreached. I trusted the wrong people and used up the good ones. I gave up and doubted myself and that is what showed in my work in the end. I let myself become jaded.
I decided to take a few months off to regroup and thankfully I have the most amazing husband and he gave me the space to do this. Without him none of this would have been possible.
I recoiled and I cut back. I crawled home and I’ve made art, jewelry and more art. I’ve even sold a few pieces! I love making things and without this time I shudder to think about how’d I’d have faired. It was not easy to keep from falling into a depression tailspin but writing became my medicine and creating became my joy. I made new plans and enjoyed a much needed vacation!
Since December many things haven’t gone as planned (more about that later) and while I thought I had control over my life turns out I absolutely do not!! I struggle greatly with this concept.
I’ve become so anxious and stressed about making money and contributing to my family that I’ve paralyzed myself again. I don’t sleep and I worry constantly. I feel like the biggest loser.
Daily I contemplate resurrecting my businesses; I’ve tried to rewrite my business plan and I’ve even tried to write new business plans. I’ve applied for jobs and I’ve not received one interview. I’ve sold personal belongings, I’ve even borrowed money. I’ve thought about what I would do if I won the lottery and it always includes starting my businesses again, that was, until today.
That’s gonna be what this blog is all about it. The deconstruction of what I thought mattered, what I thought I wanted before I found out what I truly DO want. I’ve started the process of breaking down every single thing I’ve built in the last twelve years.
And so today I acknowledge that I want to be an artist, a wife, a mother and a friend and absolutely nothing else. I know it will be a long and painful process to change but it will also make some amazing art!