It’s very difficult to write everyday.
Not the actual act of writing, that’s easy, the time to write always escapes me. I’ve been thinking about how life seems to always be out of my control. Just how much of that is caused by my actions (or inactions?) Have I become the type of person who just let’s things happen to me? Am I a perpetual victim?
My life has been a serious mess for the last four years. So many things have been out of my control but many have also been me avoiding conflict and miscommunicating my feelings. I have never been the kind of person to say no to someone in need. I am very helpful and I get shit done; next thing I know I am doing everything for people who are broken and never able to show up for their end of the deal.
This keeps me from making art, being creative and managing my life well. It always has. But this is not their fault- it’s mine. I don’t stop them, I don’t fight them. I keep giving and accepting until I have nothing left to give.
But. No longer.
I’ve learned so much about perspective, patience and persistence. I’ve also learned that I am always in control of what happens to my mind, my feelings and my reactions.
I am no longer a victim. I am no longer attempting to be a saint. I am just an artist. I am only one human doing my best to have clean sheets and a little money in the bank.
I have written each day. All of theses writings are on paper scraps and bar napkins. Those come with doodles- a bit better of a medium for me. I must post more photos- ah ha! I’ve solved my own problem.
I started to transcribe all the notes, and thoughts, and voice recordings, and ideas I’ve had the last ten days and I realized how much I had veered off course from the original intent of this blog in the first place: to write about myself and my work.
Instead it got tied up in my living situation, moving, disappointment, and family shit.
I don’t want to think about that, let alone write about it, at least NOT here.
Deep Blue 42 is about my journey to let go of things, to find more positive solutions and to think more productive thoughts. I am a negative person and I know where it comes from and how it got here. I don’t need to spend my work time talking about my mommy and her daily weed habit (which by the way makes her MORE negative…weird right?) or my dad and his absence (which by the way does not make the heart grow fonder)!
I am here to tell you about my work and how amazing working is and how much I enjoy the process of working. It’s suppose to be about ART.
Ok, I think I just needed that reminder, for myself if nothing else.
Funny, I sit here now trying to think of something to say about my art but instead I have to go think about packing, moving, unpack and MORE release of my objects.
Hopefully I can switch gears soon.
Sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes it feels like everything happens TO me, like, in a hateful-the-world-is-against-me way.
I used to pray, put a spell on it and try to read my horoscope looking for guidance and answers to my problems. Today I just decided that I’d say fuck that and let things roll off.
My brand new puppy was either poisoned OR she’s defective. Hard to say either way but here we are in the throws of moving and the wonders of transitions and she just falls down paralyzed, again. She broken. I’m broken. I am also broke (see: moving. Into a new house we bought. Broke).
We’ve already spent thousands on vet bills and she is barely four months old. We still have no answers as to why.
She is teaching me that we never know how long we have. Enjoy every minute, love like a crazy person cuz, snap! It can all go away. Everything is temporary.
Art is the same way. I think this is why I love found art so much. It’s so magical to see faces in the trees or to make fairie houses out of sticks and leaves. I know I have to let go of some fears still, the plan for forever being a big one.
Today is a lifetime.
I love things. Antiques, broken junk, paper, photos, fabric, wood and plastic. If it’s shaped like this or curved like that I want to make it into something beautiful.
The problem with things is storing them. I am slowly learning that these things are only part of my process. I set up the studio, I organized the stuff, I moved, recycled, gave away and collected. I’ve done this more than Ive made art. That changed today!
I made a schedule for my studio and I will make art like it’s my JOB! Because it is my job! I’ll have a work schedule and a quota. I will make 3 pieces of art a day for the month of March. Any creative endeavor will do.
In April I will make five sellable pieces.
I need to build my collection. I need to use my materials.
So excited to see how it goes.
Memories are light, compact and subjective. There are so many ways to capture memories; photographs, journals, scrapbooks, stories all give us a chance to hold on the things we deem important.
The other day I listened to a podcast about how we really don’t remember things the way they happened and that every time we recall a memory it fades.
I am looking forward to organizing my memories and polishing them up. If we can remember things the way we want them to be. We can forget the things we don’t want to remember. My art is going to help me with that. There are two different kinds of art I’ll be making one for me and one for the world. I wonder which will be most popular with the rest of the world.
The empty space is slowly filling up.