It’s very difficult to write everyday.
Not the actual act of writing, that’s easy, the time to write always escapes me. I’ve been thinking about how life seems to always be out of my control. Just how much of that is caused by my actions (or inactions?) Have I become the type of person who just let’s things happen to me? Am I a perpetual victim?
My life has been a serious mess for the last four years. So many things have been out of my control but many have also been me avoiding conflict and miscommunicating my feelings. I have never been the kind of person to say no to someone in need. I am very helpful and I get shit done; next thing I know I am doing everything for people who are broken and never able to show up for their end of the deal.
This keeps me from making art, being creative and managing my life well. It always has. But this is not their fault- it’s mine. I don’t stop them, I don’t fight them. I keep giving and accepting until I have nothing left to give.
But. No longer.
I’ve learned so much about perspective, patience and persistence. I’ve also learned that I am always in control of what happens to my mind, my feelings and my reactions.
I am no longer a victim. I am no longer attempting to be a saint. I am just an artist. I am only one human doing my best to have clean sheets and a little money in the bank.
I have written each day. All of theses writings are on paper scraps and bar napkins. Those come with doodles- a bit better of a medium for me. I must post more photos- ah ha! I’ve solved my own problem.