Ten Terrible Days and Ten Terrible Nights.

I started to transcribe all the notes, and thoughts, and voice recordings, and ideas I’ve had the last ten days and I realized how much I had veered off course from the original intent of this blog in the first place: to write about myself and my work.

Instead it got tied up in my living situation, moving, disappointment, and family shit.

I don’t want to think about that, let alone write about it, at least NOT here.

Deep Blue 42 is about my journey to let go of things, to find more positive solutions and to think more productive thoughts. I am a negative person and I know where it comes from and how it got here. I don’t need to spend my work time talking about my mommy and her daily weed habit (which by the way makes her MORE negative…weird right?) or my dad and his absence (which by the way does not make the heart grow fonder)!

I am here to tell you about my work and how amazing working is and how much I enjoy the process of working. It’s suppose to be about ART.

Ok, I think I just needed that reminder, for myself if nothing else.

Funny, I sit here now trying to think of something to say about my art but instead I have to go think about packing, moving, unpack and MORE release of my objects.

Hopefully I can switch gears soon.

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Hard Brick Lessons

Sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes it feels like everything happens TO me, like, in a hateful-the-world-is-against-me way.

I used to pray, put a spell on it and try to read my horoscope looking for guidance and answers to my problems. Today I just decided that I’d say fuck that and let things roll off.

My brand new puppy was either poisoned OR she’s defective. Hard to say either way but here we are in the throws of moving and the wonders of transitions and she just falls down paralyzed, again. She broken. I’m broken. I am also broke (see: moving. Into a new house we bought. Broke).

We’ve already spent thousands on vet bills and she is barely four months old. We still have no answers as to why.

She is teaching me that we never know how long we have. Enjoy every minute, love like a crazy person cuz, snap! It can all go away. Everything is temporary.

Art is the same way. I think this is why I love found art so much. It’s so magical to see faces in the trees or to make fairie houses out of sticks and leaves. I know I have to let go of some fears still, the plan for forever being a big one.

Today is a lifetime.

Material Girl

I love things. Antiques, broken junk, paper, photos, fabric, wood and plastic. If it’s shaped like this or curved like that I want to make it into something beautiful.

The problem with things is storing them. I am slowly learning that these things are only part of my process. I set up the studio, I organized the stuff, I moved, recycled, gave away and collected. I’ve done this more than Ive made art. That changed today!

I made a schedule for my studio and I will make art like it’s my JOB! Because it is my job! I’ll have a work schedule and a quota. I will make 3 pieces of art a day for the month of March. Any creative endeavor will do.

In April I will make five sellable pieces.

I need to build my collection. I need to use my materials.

So excited to see how it goes.

New Firsts

Memories are light, compact and subjective. There are so many ways to capture memories; photographs, journals, scrapbooks, stories all give us a chance to hold on the things we deem important.

The other day I listened to a podcast about how we really don’t remember things the way they happened and that every time we recall a memory it fades.

I am looking forward to organizing my memories and polishing them up. If we can remember things the way we want them to be. We can forget the things we don’t want to remember. My art is going to help me with that. There are two different kinds of art I’ll be making one for me and one for the world. I wonder which will be most popular with the rest of the world.

The empty space is slowly filling up.

Difference

There is a big difference between giving up and letting go.

I have to remind myself of this while I am making art. I think I always have to have sixteen irons in the fire or I am not happy. As long as those things feel creative and I am not met with jealous and greedy people. This is why I must focus on simply building a body of work for myself for a while.

How many pieces can I make per day, per week? How many can I work on at the same time- in the same hour? Whew!! I’m so excited to find out.

Productivity fills the space. The space is rarely empty.

Things I Dig

Writing everyday really gives you the chance to think things through, which also gives you the chance to change your mind about a thousand times, which almost seems like flip-floping waffles but it’s really just process. Good process.

I do want to be an artist. I am an artist. I am an artist every day even when I am not making art. I am thinking creatively, communicating creatively, eating creatively. I breathe creativity.

I also want to be an event planner, a  sales person, a business woman, and an athlete. No more boxes for me.

The freedom fills the empty space.

Out Of Focus

When I find my mind wondering off and writing it’s own imaginary commentary with my foes about what’s going on in my life I have to stop it, and fast! I used to encourage these pretend conversations with my antagonists and enemies. I used to let these conversations turn into letters I would physically write but rarely send. I would sometimes write them over and over while seething.

I will no longer do this.

In order to change the course or direction this boat is sailing I must throw out the old ways of doing things. This most definitely includes my old habits during conflicts and my reactions to others behaviors, especially if they are offensive and abusive towards me.

I will shut the out of my life and restrict access to my ears. I will stop negotiations or conversations with others about what has happened. I will not have conversations, real or imaginary, about what happened. I will not hear excuses and I will accept apologies and offer forgiveness. I will not make the claim that every thing is just fine or that it will return to normal.

Instead I will write a letter to someone I love dearly; someone I miss or someone I wish I could see more often- perhaps someone who lives far away.

I will tell them about all the good things in my life and ask them loads of questions about what they’re up to these days and maybe even send them a piece of art.

I will banish all thoughts of negativity or conflict with those who seem hell bent on having a raging battle with me.

I already feel elevated and excited about the growing list of those I will be contacting next! I better start sketching and doodling little drawings to mail out right now!

Life is too short to waste time trying to fill up the people who have holes in their hearts… That work can only be done by the owner of the heart.

Writing love notes will fill the empty space.

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Choose Your Battles

Today we learned that another family member is involved I trying to sabotage our livelihood. It’s almost an unbelievable story it’s so twisted and crazy. I could go on and on about this, but I’m saving that juice for my first novel (based on fictional characters, of course). I know my husband is sad because he’s had to face a great deal of disappointment from his family in the last few years. He is such a good man and he has worked so hard to become one that it’s heartbreaking to see him put his head down. But he’s finally facing the truth and moving on without the damaged people .

What a huge blessing!!!

No longer will I allow anyone to distrupt or disrespect my husband and I. We are so blessed because we do good, we are honest and trustworthy: I aspire to be even more so because Jason truly embodies this !

I refuse to let this negative energy into my life, ever again.

A dear friend helped me see that, yes, life is hard and, yes, it’s a challenging battle but if you look at it correctly (flip it around) we CAN choose which battles to fight.

I’d rather fight for arts education, community, universal health care and gay marriage that fight a family member over dishes and furniture.

I would rather fight writers block or the grain in a wood panel than fight a family member over money they stole from me.

Good work filled that empty space!

Interpretive Dance

As I packed up all my art supplies and materials yet again I realized how much stuff I’ve been holding on to so I could make art with it one day.

It’s all that planning for the future and preparing for that day that kept me from ever having any time to just create things.

Because I have so much stuff I’ve had to work to house it and that real estate has been my number one issue for the last few years hasn’t gone unnoticed this time. Lesson learned.

It felt incredible to make huge piles of things to sell and to donate. Knowing some else might make something from my stuff instantly elevated it from a burden to an art installation. The experience of letting to became an interpretive dance. I created Joy.

Joy filled the empty space.

Finders Keepers

There are a lot of sayings out there about possession and property. What’s mine is yours, possession is 9/10ths of the law and finders keepers- losers weepers. And so on and so forth. It’s facinating the “things” people will fight over, in the end especially. The ways in which we have to earn and collect things, be it purchase, find, inherit or build have all become so disgusting. We work most of the week at jobs we despise in order to purchase houses to fill with gadgets and gizmos, we then create more rooms to hold more things and we hold a sick sense of pride in our belongings. Wealth badges and displays. Charging objects with the power to hold memories and keeping things because getting rid of them takes too much effort.

I am so glad I am learning to let go when I still have all this time left in my life.

I am so full of anticipation and excitingment about leaving this property forever, but more than that I can’t wait to get away from all this stuff. It’s so facinating to watch this house empty out, all while I can feel the vultures circling in the hopes that can get a big chunk of the flesh for themselves. All these years I thought it was sentimentality that kept us here but it turns out it’s simply greed and possessiveness that held us. I can easily picture my family breaking apart my home, going through my letters and boxes of stuff. I’d like to make sure that process is easy and enjoyable. Things just need to be purposeful and enjoyable.

Love fills up the empty space now.