He(art) Werk

More lessons in letting go & letting things BE. Whooosh…..
This is the best way to tell that I have come a long, long way in healing and growing. This is a test. This is only a test. Showing me what works and what does not. Emotions, move aside please. Thank you. 
It is not easy to shift your self over to new ways of doing, thinking or operating. This life has never given me anything “easily”! However, the pride I can identify and attach to the hard heart work has so much value. I appreciate and welcome all my life lessons. I support my heart work and my heart work supports me. 
  
Sometimes I do not have what I need to get what I want; be it legs to stand on or skills to build from. But I never worry now because the one skill I trust is my ability to find someone with the tools I need to move forward. 

This New Moon and Solar Eclipse promises me much light and growth in my self worth, my adventures and my community development projects. I set schedules and tasks that support Werk and Fun Equally. I highly recommend it! 

Have an ART-FULL day! 

Notches

Today marks one year since I started using dôTerra oils regularly, and six months since I’ve had a drink, and four months of cutting out grains, sugar, potatoes and legumes from my diet. I’m back to my 18 yr old weight and size, my skin glows, my tummy feels amazing, I have (so far) survived the rough cold and flu season without a sniffle and I feel wonderful. Mentally and emotionally I also feel great. This is saying a lot. Today is proving to be a challenging day yet I am positive and trusting the universe rather than losing my patience. Thoughts become things. I am choosing to think about what I am grateful for rather than what I cannot control or change.

I will never, ever go back to allowing toxins into my body and I am so grateful for the path that has led me here.

Jumpy castles in the sky

At some point you just gotta do that painful, heart wrenching thing. You gotta spill the truth, cut the ties, admit defeat, throw in the towel and move on.

There is a big difference between giving up and letting go. It’s easier with a plan, a script, practice and a strong crew of peeps. I am almost there- almost ready to make the final leap. Just a little more preparation and I’ll be ready to go. New beginnings; doing things differently from now on.

I made a checklist. This is a rotation list, a mantra, a reminder and my goals.

1. Write a letter to all the people you’re gonna quit giving shit to (emotionally, physically and professionally!)-check

2. Create a retreat where you can create the life you want- foundations in place.

3. Trust the universe and make art- getting closer!

4. Surround yourself with people who only have your best interests in their hearts- CHECK!

5. Stop doing the same fucking shit over and over… Almost there.

6. Send the letters out and quit doing that shit- yep, this will happen 12/13/14. That’s the date I’ve chosen.

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Side note to today

I am so grateful for my healthy life changes! This stressful week really tried to kick my a$$ and reflecting in how I WOULD have dealt with all of this vs. how I’ve dealt with it this week has made me proud. I realize I’ll always need to continue to work and learn but perhaps on different things than I thought I did. I’m not going to beat myself up and spread myself thin for anyone or any thing.

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Fuck this week, so far.

It been a rough and wonderful week. Learning things I didn’t want to know but have to know, watching my kids succeed, making art, struggling, building, spending a small fortune on my kids faces, stressing about debt that comes from said small fortune spending, telling the same people no again and again, accepting that you can’t expect things from people, explaining that you can’t help people who don’t want to be helped, and realizing that I am STILL not doing what I’m suppose to be doing.

Stress is trying to hound me. Work is making me miserable. I don’t owe anyone an explanation for these rants. There is no like button here. I don’t need to exclude anyone from this post.

Fuck all of you whiney, greedy, selfish assholes in my life. I am no longer available for you. I will no longer gift you services and advice. Make a note of it.

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Ten Terrible Days and Ten Terrible Nights.

I started to transcribe all the notes, and thoughts, and voice recordings, and ideas I’ve had the last ten days and I realized how much I had veered off course from the original intent of this blog in the first place: to write about myself and my work.

Instead it got tied up in my living situation, moving, disappointment, and family shit.

I don’t want to think about that, let alone write about it, at least NOT here.

Deep Blue 42 is about my journey to let go of things, to find more positive solutions and to think more productive thoughts. I am a negative person and I know where it comes from and how it got here. I don’t need to spend my work time talking about my mommy and her daily weed habit (which by the way makes her MORE negative…weird right?) or my dad and his absence (which by the way does not make the heart grow fonder)!

I am here to tell you about my work and how amazing working is and how much I enjoy the process of working. It’s suppose to be about ART.

Ok, I think I just needed that reminder, for myself if nothing else.

Funny, I sit here now trying to think of something to say about my art but instead I have to go think about packing, moving, unpack and MORE release of my objects.

Hopefully I can switch gears soon.

Hard Brick Lessons

Sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes it feels like everything happens TO me, like, in a hateful-the-world-is-against-me way.

I used to pray, put a spell on it and try to read my horoscope looking for guidance and answers to my problems. Today I just decided that I’d say fuck that and let things roll off.

My brand new puppy was either poisoned OR she’s defective. Hard to say either way but here we are in the throws of moving and the wonders of transitions and she just falls down paralyzed, again. She broken. I’m broken. I am also broke (see: moving. Into a new house we bought. Broke).

We’ve already spent thousands on vet bills and she is barely four months old. We still have no answers as to why.

She is teaching me that we never know how long we have. Enjoy every minute, love like a crazy person cuz, snap! It can all go away. Everything is temporary.

Art is the same way. I think this is why I love found art so much. It’s so magical to see faces in the trees or to make fairie houses out of sticks and leaves. I know I have to let go of some fears still, the plan for forever being a big one.

Today is a lifetime.

Difference

There is a big difference between giving up and letting go.

I have to remind myself of this while I am making art. I think I always have to have sixteen irons in the fire or I am not happy. As long as those things feel creative and I am not met with jealous and greedy people. This is why I must focus on simply building a body of work for myself for a while.

How many pieces can I make per day, per week? How many can I work on at the same time- in the same hour? Whew!! I’m so excited to find out.

Productivity fills the space. The space is rarely empty.

Choose Your Battles

Today we learned that another family member is involved I trying to sabotage our livelihood. It’s almost an unbelievable story it’s so twisted and crazy. I could go on and on about this, but I’m saving that juice for my first novel (based on fictional characters, of course). I know my husband is sad because he’s had to face a great deal of disappointment from his family in the last few years. He is such a good man and he has worked so hard to become one that it’s heartbreaking to see him put his head down. But he’s finally facing the truth and moving on without the damaged people .

What a huge blessing!!!

No longer will I allow anyone to distrupt or disrespect my husband and I. We are so blessed because we do good, we are honest and trustworthy: I aspire to be even more so because Jason truly embodies this !

I refuse to let this negative energy into my life, ever again.

A dear friend helped me see that, yes, life is hard and, yes, it’s a challenging battle but if you look at it correctly (flip it around) we CAN choose which battles to fight.

I’d rather fight for arts education, community, universal health care and gay marriage that fight a family member over dishes and furniture.

I would rather fight writers block or the grain in a wood panel than fight a family member over money they stole from me.

Good work filled that empty space!