I woke up this morning and decided I am healed. I decided that I wasn’t going to look back at anything anymore. I am not going to should on myself ever again! It’s time. I am happily looking for new adventures, new collaborators, new friends and new Werk to keep me fresh, alive and BUSY!!! This is what creating a world worth living in looks like!!!! Today IS a new day!
Whatcha got people?
Tell me what you are building, making, doing, creating?!?!? I thrive on your ideas and adventures!
This, “living the dream shit”, is fucking hard. I’m super emo and I just want to complain about every, single thing. I want to cry and overeat. I want to give up and burn it all down. But, I can’t. Being an artist is a compulsion like no other.
I will keep going even if this crap is never good enough for anyone to purchase or admire it.
I gots too many feels right now. It’s like I’m stuffed full of butterflies and bumblebees. I laugh cry and cry laugh. My heart beats fast and I want to sleep all day. I want to do ten million things but I can only do one thing and I can’t decide which one so all I can do is sit her and hummmmm to myself. Either that or it’s all blasting Beasties and talking to myself. I blame the moon. Oh, and the smell of Daphne.
I’d go make art but it just turns out squishy and sharp.
At some point you just gotta do that painful, heart wrenching thing. You gotta spill the truth, cut the ties, admit defeat, throw in the towel and move on.
There is a big difference between giving up and letting go. It’s easier with a plan, a script, practice and a strong crew of peeps. I am almost there- almost ready to make the final leap. Just a little more preparation and I’ll be ready to go. New beginnings; doing things differently from now on.
I made a checklist. This is a rotation list, a mantra, a reminder and my goals.
1. Write a letter to all the people you’re gonna quit giving shit to (emotionally, physically and professionally!)-check
2. Create a retreat where you can create the life you want- foundations in place.
3. Trust the universe and make art- getting closer!
4. Surround yourself with people who only have your best interests in their hearts- CHECK!
5. Stop doing the same fucking shit over and over… Almost there.
6. Send the letters out and quit doing that shit- yep, this will happen 12/13/14. That’s the date I’ve chosen.
I tried to reread these but they made me too angry. I will stop myself from deleting them, but I will also apologize that they read like a weepy journal; oh, woo has me. Barf!
I just want to make art, break shit, build shit and add glitter. I just want to create programs and help people step into the magical light that is art making… But I also want to get paid and that, THAT, is not possible in this world.
You gotta give it away now.
It’s very difficult to write everyday.
Not the actual act of writing, that’s easy, the time to write always escapes me. I’ve been thinking about how life seems to always be out of my control. Just how much of that is caused by my actions (or inactions?) Have I become the type of person who just let’s things happen to me? Am I a perpetual victim?
My life has been a serious mess for the last four years. So many things have been out of my control but many have also been me avoiding conflict and miscommunicating my feelings. I have never been the kind of person to say no to someone in need. I am very helpful and I get shit done; next thing I know I am doing everything for people who are broken and never able to show up for their end of the deal.
This keeps me from making art, being creative and managing my life well. It always has. But this is not their fault- it’s mine. I don’t stop them, I don’t fight them. I keep giving and accepting until I have nothing left to give.
But. No longer.
I’ve learned so much about perspective, patience and persistence. I’ve also learned that I am always in control of what happens to my mind, my feelings and my reactions.
I am no longer a victim. I am no longer attempting to be a saint. I am just an artist. I am only one human doing my best to have clean sheets and a little money in the bank.
I have written each day. All of theses writings are on paper scraps and bar napkins. Those come with doodles- a bit better of a medium for me. I must post more photos- ah ha! I’ve solved my own problem.
I started to transcribe all the notes, and thoughts, and voice recordings, and ideas I’ve had the last ten days and I realized how much I had veered off course from the original intent of this blog in the first place: to write about myself and my work.
Instead it got tied up in my living situation, moving, disappointment, and family shit.
I don’t want to think about that, let alone write about it, at least NOT here.
Deep Blue 42 is about my journey to let go of things, to find more positive solutions and to think more productive thoughts. I am a negative person and I know where it comes from and how it got here. I don’t need to spend my work time talking about my mommy and her daily weed habit (which by the way makes her MORE negative…weird right?) or my dad and his absence (which by the way does not make the heart grow fonder)!
I am here to tell you about my work and how amazing working is and how much I enjoy the process of working. It’s suppose to be about ART.
Ok, I think I just needed that reminder, for myself if nothing else.
Funny, I sit here now trying to think of something to say about my art but instead I have to go think about packing, moving, unpack and MORE release of my objects.
Hopefully I can switch gears soon.
Memories are light, compact and subjective. There are so many ways to capture memories; photographs, journals, scrapbooks, stories all give us a chance to hold on the things we deem important.
The other day I listened to a podcast about how we really don’t remember things the way they happened and that every time we recall a memory it fades.
I am looking forward to organizing my memories and polishing them up. If we can remember things the way we want them to be. We can forget the things we don’t want to remember. My art is going to help me with that. There are two different kinds of art I’ll be making one for me and one for the world. I wonder which will be most popular with the rest of the world.
The empty space is slowly filling up.
There is a big difference between giving up and letting go.
I have to remind myself of this while I am making art. I think I always have to have sixteen irons in the fire or I am not happy. As long as those things feel creative and I am not met with jealous and greedy people. This is why I must focus on simply building a body of work for myself for a while.
How many pieces can I make per day, per week? How many can I work on at the same time- in the same hour? Whew!! I’m so excited to find out.
Productivity fills the space. The space is rarely empty.
When I find my mind wondering off and writing it’s own imaginary commentary with my foes about what’s going on in my life I have to stop it, and fast! I used to encourage these pretend conversations with my antagonists and enemies. I used to let these conversations turn into letters I would physically write but rarely send. I would sometimes write them over and over while seething.
I will no longer do this.
In order to change the course or direction this boat is sailing I must throw out the old ways of doing things. This most definitely includes my old habits during conflicts and my reactions to others behaviors, especially if they are offensive and abusive towards me.
I will shut the out of my life and restrict access to my ears. I will stop negotiations or conversations with others about what has happened. I will not have conversations, real or imaginary, about what happened. I will not hear excuses and I will accept apologies and offer forgiveness. I will not make the claim that every thing is just fine or that it will return to normal.
Instead I will write a letter to someone I love dearly; someone I miss or someone I wish I could see more often- perhaps someone who lives far away.
I will tell them about all the good things in my life and ask them loads of questions about what they’re up to these days and maybe even send them a piece of art.
I will banish all thoughts of negativity or conflict with those who seem hell bent on having a raging battle with me.
I already feel elevated and excited about the growing list of those I will be contacting next! I better start sketching and doodling little drawings to mail out right now!
Life is too short to waste time trying to fill up the people who have holes in their hearts… That work can only be done by the owner of the heart.
Writing love notes will fill the empty space.