Notches

Today marks one year since I started using dôTerra oils regularly, and six months since I’ve had a drink, and four months of cutting out grains, sugar, potatoes and legumes from my diet. I’m back to my 18 yr old weight and size, my skin glows, my tummy feels amazing, I have (so far) survived the rough cold and flu season without a sniffle and I feel wonderful. Mentally and emotionally I also feel great. This is saying a lot. Today is proving to be a challenging day yet I am positive and trusting the universe rather than losing my patience. Thoughts become things. I am choosing to think about what I am grateful for rather than what I cannot control or change.

I will never, ever go back to allowing toxins into my body and I am so grateful for the path that has led me here.

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Jumpy castles in the sky

At some point you just gotta do that painful, heart wrenching thing. You gotta spill the truth, cut the ties, admit defeat, throw in the towel and move on.

There is a big difference between giving up and letting go. It’s easier with a plan, a script, practice and a strong crew of peeps. I am almost there- almost ready to make the final leap. Just a little more preparation and I’ll be ready to go. New beginnings; doing things differently from now on.

I made a checklist. This is a rotation list, a mantra, a reminder and my goals.

1. Write a letter to all the people you’re gonna quit giving shit to (emotionally, physically and professionally!)-check

2. Create a retreat where you can create the life you want- foundations in place.

3. Trust the universe and make art- getting closer!

4. Surround yourself with people who only have your best interests in their hearts- CHECK!

5. Stop doing the same fucking shit over and over… Almost there.

6. Send the letters out and quit doing that shit- yep, this will happen 12/13/14. That’s the date I’ve chosen.

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Side note to today

I am so grateful for my healthy life changes! This stressful week really tried to kick my a$$ and reflecting in how I WOULD have dealt with all of this vs. how I’ve dealt with it this week has made me proud. I realize I’ll always need to continue to work and learn but perhaps on different things than I thought I did. I’m not going to beat myself up and spread myself thin for anyone or any thing.

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Fuck this week, so far.

It been a rough and wonderful week. Learning things I didn’t want to know but have to know, watching my kids succeed, making art, struggling, building, spending a small fortune on my kids faces, stressing about debt that comes from said small fortune spending, telling the same people no again and again, accepting that you can’t expect things from people, explaining that you can’t help people who don’t want to be helped, and realizing that I am STILL not doing what I’m suppose to be doing.

Stress is trying to hound me. Work is making me miserable. I don’t owe anyone an explanation for these rants. There is no like button here. I don’t need to exclude anyone from this post.

Fuck all of you whiney, greedy, selfish assholes in my life. I am no longer available for you. I will no longer gift you services and advice. Make a note of it.

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How to Have a Happy Life

2013-06-15 12.32.43I gave up on the idea that I have to DO something to have a happier life. I released the fad diets, special exercise routines, top lists and social pressure to be happier. I no longer compare my happiness to others happiness. I’ve accepted that I tend to suffer from depression, not quite clinically but that’s only because I haven’t gone to a doctor and asked for a diagnosis. I am convinced if I did they would attempt to prescribe me some pharmaceutical remedy. 

I firmly believe that everyone should consider doing this if they can’t find any other way to let happiness in. But I temper that with the following description of the experience I’ve had. 

Happiness is something that just is. Let happiness in. Sit down and say, “yes!” to happiness. It’s too simple that we feel compelled to complicate it with our complexities. 

Happiness is the flip side of stress. Stress works the same way as happiness. It’s something that just is. You can let stress in or you can let happiness in. It’s not as complicated as we make it. 

Once I decided to let happiness in things have started to line up without any painful work or change on my part. My diet changed, my sleep changed, my relationships changed and my desires changed. All the hard work I was doing kept happiness away.

Now I spend more time with my family, enjoy my home more and take time to breathe. I stopped drinking alcohol (a major depressant) and began to crave water, good food and long walks. I write more, draw more, laugh more. I feel motivated to work on projects and to make money. I fall asleep like a baby and wake up without an alarm. I feel the sadness of the world more deeply and I use this pain as a focus of my meditations. I send out love and I totally get my hippy on when I try to change the world with my positive energy alone. Believing in this has helped me realize that we are all connected.

Shit still happens, people still step on my heart and say wicked things. When I allow stress to get close it definitely feels like a huge explosion of thunder next to my head and I have to refocus to myself with meditation, writing and some kind of physical expression (dance, yoga or playing with my dog). However silly things that used to matter now matter less and less each day. Journal writing and daily drawings have given me the tools to combat that ‘something’ that tries to knock me off my path; I only have to go back to my writing and find the crumbs I’ve left on the trail back to joy.

Everything needs to be practiced and deeply believed. Dedication and patience are key. Faith is required. Finding things that help you focus are the only tools you need. A big thing for me was to take a break from my more negative writing and instead to focus on finding good things and resetting my habits. I think it’s very difficult for most people to think about what their focus tool is. We are too busy working, rushing, shopping and overeating to think. 

Picture me now, sitting in the middle of my yard, eyes closed, head raised sending you positive energy and hoping you can let happiness in. The question is, “What do you love to do so much?” and “Why can’t you do it more?”. 

The book 344 Questions is an amazing book that really helped me find the answers to these 2014-07-17 08.33.50questions. It really ties together how family, relationships, home, work and health have to be prioritized above everything else. 

For me, I found using doTerra essential oils daily has really helped me, as well as making art, music, exercise and writing.  I’ve been reading a lot of other blogs about how to be happier. It’s interesting what you find when you google “how to be happier”. Go ahead and try it, I can wait.

I hear myself say, let happiness in AND do this work at the same time. Or rather, that’s probably what you hear. The truth is that you just have to honestly, truly and faithfully accept happiness. You have to say, “I accept Happiness into my life” over and over and over every day, every night and all the time until it’s sewn into your heart, mind and body. Once that really happens then all the other stuff will line up on it’s own; suddenly you’ll notice little things that really matter.

I am so excited to see how my writing, my art work and my body change as I continue to practice this thing called happiness more. Does this mean I will never write another post about the stupid people that cross my path or the crazy shit that happens to me? Absolutely not! It’s probable that those things may happen less and less but I kinda hope not. Reality dictates that things will just come across with more hysterical laughter than before. Laughing has been happening more and more all around me already. 

I hope to hear from anyone who reads these… how are you doing? 

 

 

Reread

I tried to reread these but they made me too angry. I will stop myself from deleting them, but I will also apologize that they read like a weepy journal; oh, woo has me. Barf!

I just want to make art, break shit, build shit and add glitter. I just want to create programs and help people step into the magical light that is art making… But I also want to get paid and that, THAT, is not possible in this world.

You gotta give it away now.

Stretch Everyday

It’s very difficult to write everyday.

Not the actual act of writing, that’s easy, the time to write always escapes me. I’ve been thinking about how life seems to always be out of my control. Just how much of that is caused by my actions (or inactions?) Have I become the type of person who just let’s things happen to  me? Am I a perpetual victim?

My life has been a serious mess for the last four years. So many things have been out of my control but many have also been me avoiding conflict and miscommunicating my feelings. I have never been the kind of person to say no to someone in need. I am very helpful and I get shit done; next thing I know I am doing everything for people who are broken and never able to show up for their end of the deal.

This keeps me from making art, being creative and managing my life well. It always has. But this is not their fault- it’s mine. I don’t stop them, I don’t fight them. I keep giving and accepting until I have nothing left to give.

But. No longer.

I’ve learned so much about perspective, patience and persistence. I’ve also learned that I am always in control of what happens to my mind, my feelings and my reactions.

I am no longer a victim. I am no longer attempting to be a saint. I am just an artist. I am only one human doing my best to have clean sheets and a little money in the bank.

I have written each day. All of theses writings are on paper scraps and bar napkins. Those come with doodles- a bit better of a medium for me. I must post more photos- ah ha! I’ve solved my own problem.

Ten Terrible Days and Ten Terrible Nights.

I started to transcribe all the notes, and thoughts, and voice recordings, and ideas I’ve had the last ten days and I realized how much I had veered off course from the original intent of this blog in the first place: to write about myself and my work.

Instead it got tied up in my living situation, moving, disappointment, and family shit.

I don’t want to think about that, let alone write about it, at least NOT here.

Deep Blue 42 is about my journey to let go of things, to find more positive solutions and to think more productive thoughts. I am a negative person and I know where it comes from and how it got here. I don’t need to spend my work time talking about my mommy and her daily weed habit (which by the way makes her MORE negative…weird right?) or my dad and his absence (which by the way does not make the heart grow fonder)!

I am here to tell you about my work and how amazing working is and how much I enjoy the process of working. It’s suppose to be about ART.

Ok, I think I just needed that reminder, for myself if nothing else.

Funny, I sit here now trying to think of something to say about my art but instead I have to go think about packing, moving, unpack and MORE release of my objects.

Hopefully I can switch gears soon.

Hard Brick Lessons

Sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes it feels like everything happens TO me, like, in a hateful-the-world-is-against-me way.

I used to pray, put a spell on it and try to read my horoscope looking for guidance and answers to my problems. Today I just decided that I’d say fuck that and let things roll off.

My brand new puppy was either poisoned OR she’s defective. Hard to say either way but here we are in the throws of moving and the wonders of transitions and she just falls down paralyzed, again. She broken. I’m broken. I am also broke (see: moving. Into a new house we bought. Broke).

We’ve already spent thousands on vet bills and she is barely four months old. We still have no answers as to why.

She is teaching me that we never know how long we have. Enjoy every minute, love like a crazy person cuz, snap! It can all go away. Everything is temporary.

Art is the same way. I think this is why I love found art so much. It’s so magical to see faces in the trees or to make fairie houses out of sticks and leaves. I know I have to let go of some fears still, the plan for forever being a big one.

Today is a lifetime.

Material Girl

I love things. Antiques, broken junk, paper, photos, fabric, wood and plastic. If it’s shaped like this or curved like that I want to make it into something beautiful.

The problem with things is storing them. I am slowly learning that these things are only part of my process. I set up the studio, I organized the stuff, I moved, recycled, gave away and collected. I’ve done this more than Ive made art. That changed today!

I made a schedule for my studio and I will make art like it’s my JOB! Because it is my job! I’ll have a work schedule and a quota. I will make 3 pieces of art a day for the month of March. Any creative endeavor will do.

In April I will make five sellable pieces.

I need to build my collection. I need to use my materials.

So excited to see how it goes.